This small website is dedicated to Jennifer Emmerich with love and admiration

Take me back
To when I was so disturbed
Every feeling was dirty
And every bridge was burned
Somewhere in my mind
I could always count on the dark to keep me company
Somehow in my mind
I would always sleep well when I felt so filthy

Filthy love
I've never known any other
Filthy love
You're a long lost friend of mind
Filthy love
Where can I go to find you?
Filthy love
I've always needed you

I remember all the times
Laying nude in an unfamiliar bed
Sleepless like a wound
Yearning for closure in this waking death
Filthy love
Where are you when I need you?
Filthy love I don't want to lose you
Filthy love
My tainted mind can't recover
Filthy love
Lying naked with you under cover

If I cried for you I would feel
Like angels were ripping open my wounds
For now I undress, scorn my heart
Neglect feelings as stretched lips part

All these filthy things
That only I can do
Leaves you overexposed
Cheeks red and abused
As you lie there quivering
Love enters your thoughts
But that will never be
Just my mighty tongue and cock

Waiting, still mistaking
Memories for our love again
Still believing, or pretending
We can be together, only with shame

Removed from your walls
So the walls inside will grow
Animosity will rise, you stay high
And your weakness still shows

Crucified for mistakes maybe made
But exaggerated in your head
Self-induced reasons account for treason
And all the shadows in your bed

Feed your pain, with pint-size thoughts
Seek your attention with diluted forethought?
The world evolves, yet you stay the same
Selfishly considered, a slow-moving game

Sacrificed for the better of one
But that one is you and not who you say
You desire the tangibles you “need”
Keeping them supporting actors in your play

Crucified, laid down to die
All for reasons exaggerated in your head
Selfish motives account for it all
You feast on caviar but claim its your bread

She was so beautiful
When she cried on my shoulder
She made the emptiness so appealing
As we grew older

But that was so long ago
And now there’s too many years between us

So when you smile at me
And whisper you want me
Baby I just got to say “no”
The past may appear beautiful
This moment you want to hold
But beautiful chaos can be so cold

I rest my lips between yours
Intoxicating juices pours
And a dream could come or go in minutes
I can’t get caught in the moment
Or retrace our old footprints
It takes everything I have to admit it

What was so long ago
Has been left in picture books far too long

So when your smile at me
And rest your blonde head on me
You know I just got to say “no”
The moment may seem beautiful
The past retired with a funeral
Beautiful chaos left me much too cold 

I guess I knew this day was coming soon
When you would want me, now I don’t want you
Waited forever for you to change your ways
Waited for you to hang around but you went away

Ask me for a kiss goodbye
But I ain’t going that way
Saw you had your thumb out
Hitchhiking so I gave you a hug

Want me to be with you in a motel room
Can’t be at your house because of your rule
You won’t spend the night when you got things to do
So I have to say I’m sorry, I can’t do that for you

Smoke all my cigarettes
As you tell me you have to go
Cry me tears of nowhere
Wanting some emotions of mine to show

Haven’t I been in this situation before?
New house, new clothes, different encore
Lifeless heart, body reaching out for you
Subdue the beast until the facts aren’t blue

I keep my poker face
I keep your heart at a distance
I explain the facts the way I see them
And I tell you the future is so predictable

So afraid of myself…
What goes on inside me
Who’s cells are these anyway?
Am I still just me?

I don't like to see you happy
I don't wanna see you smile
I don't wanna hear you laughing
I wanna watch you be defiled
I don't care if you hate me
I don't care when you cry
I won't relive your hell
When I hear your lies

The only thing I need
Is me in your fucking ass
The only thing that I crave
Is you on your fucking knees! 

You keep pulling me
Down! In! Time!
This fucking mess you
Made! For! Me!
You keep holding me
Down! To! Die!
In the emptiness you
Leave! In! Me!
When I go
Down! On! You!
The obscenities you
Leave! In! Me!
The anger you
Put! Me! In!
Why do you pull me
Down! Down! Down!?

I don't want to hear your voice
I don't wanna be your clown
I don't wanna be your choice
Give me peace I need, so long

The only that thing I need
Is me to watch you fucking die
The only thing that I crave
Is you on your fucking knees!

I remember your name
But I can only feel your pain

Broken bleeding tears of hate
Dripping down your angry face
Somber grief that feels so real
Showing truth you try to conceal

So real, so real
You keep putting me down - with - words
This fucking mess you left - for - me
I keep your sympathy crown - on - me
Why do you keep pulling me down?
Pulling me down...
Pulling me down...
Pulling me down...
Down!

What a fuck I was to believe in you!

Sitting in your house of horrors
Memories tear at me from all sides
Ripping through my reborn flesh
To see your reflection deep inside
Your words made me feel so cold
Your malice brought me suffering
As I drank from your pool of despair
I’d see your face and all the dread you bring

Blood runs so cold
My eyes see but my mind says no
Living through this hell again
Tears remain so hollow
Your promises fall so I go
I won’t live through your hell again
How many more years are there left
Being on trial and destined to die?

Prosecuting you is my salvation
You’re the judge, redemption you can’t buy
Bleeding me free of my soul
Pride and contentment you try to kill
Devious tears so you can have control
Being near you leaves me unfulfilled
No one can know
My eyes see but my mind says no

Living through this hell again
Tears remain so hollow
Your promises fade so I go
I won’t live through your hell again
Beating your reality into my head
Stains on your floor from times gone by
The only faithful memory
Was when I washed my hands clean of you

My soul was married to your heart
And my heart was spun of gold
But you would just take me apart
Dissect only the parts you care to know
And when I tried to stop you
From straying down the same old trail
Your door would slam in my face
Why is it always tooth and nail?

You mangled my feelings with lies
You stole my tears with your cheating
But its been so long since I cried
That I learned it wasn’t you I was needing

I never fell out of love with you
And there wasn’t anyone who led me away
I just grew tired searching for the truth
When the truth you would save for another day
I tried, yeah I always tried
To tell you what you were about to do
‘Cause I’ve read this book a thousand times
And a thousand times the lines became true

You tore away at my soul
With secrets you couldn’t hide
Your closet was full of more than memories
And your words couldn’t make me blind

Now when I look at you
The only thought that enters my mind
Is what a shame it is you’re the same
And you can’t even be helped with time
I was your soldier made of misfortune
And you deserted me every time I was down
But my heart isn’t so easily pulled anymore
So you look for someone else to be your clown

You ripped away all my pride
You molested this boy’s innocence
You made the world evil in my eyes
Yet when you’re on your knees you don’t repent

Say goodbye to your shallow memories
As he signs on the dotted line
Say goodbye to any chance of romance
Because his signature put it all behind
And that’s all right
I didn’t want it anyway
That’s all right, honey
I don’t need the shame

You see this man he sticks around like glue
And you’re the paper he’s stuck himself to
At least you’re getti​ng something for nothing, right?
The way I see it, I see its all right
I can’t dance with a memory anymore
When the memory is a repeat of a song I’ve heard before
The one about the tears and the pain
And a lonely man who’s sky only rains

Say goodbye to all you’ve had
You see its time for something new
This man will step out of the picture
When it comes to this game he’ll lose
And that’s all right
I didn’t want to play this game
When it comes to loving you
I just don’t need anymore shame

You see this man, he’s a good customer of yours
Unlike me, he won’t be complaining when you come home
If you decide to and you don’t have something better to do
But when it comes to me, you’ll just hang up the phone
The more I learn the more I’m unwilling to take
Separating the truth from the well-known lies
Leaving isn’t always what it seems to be
But the way we see it, its all right

Said goodbye but you didn’t hear me
No kiss and no words to say
I’ll just step aside for now
Just an inconvenience anyway
I laid my signature on the line
But the contract was burned and you were blind
That’s okay, there is no blame
When it comes to you I don’t need the shame

Its not okay to wait for you tonight
When you’ve got others standing in line
And your smiles are meant to be
Just for someone else and not for me
I guess for five years I’ve been disenchanted
With your broken promises and cheap romances
I’d buy you dinner but we wouldn’t be alone
I’d wait for you but I know you want to be stoned

Too many times your stories wore thin
And no matter what you’ll be caught
I spent too much time trying to get in
Only to find out that door is locked
Because I know you too well
And only strangers get the nice side of you
All the disrespect and indecision
Are left for me, its all I have of you

But that’s all right, I can understand
And even if I didn’t, I’m still a man
And man in your shadow, still a step behind
A man who’s heart you keep leaving behind
For a promise you find in their words
The same promise I read in your eyes
When you said you’d love me always
You had me believing in all your lies

Say goodbye to the endurance
I’ve managed to hold onto after all this time
I don’t need your well-thought out explanations
Because this time no reasons are just fine
There’s no tears for you to chastise
No room in my heart for well-placed lines
And I won’t relieve you of the blame
Because when it comes to guilt you have no shame

Whatever happened to your intoxicating eyes?
Those bedroom lips and bedroom lines?
I can see the changes because I won’t forget
How interesting I was to you when we first met
But now we have next to nothing of you and I
Just a few midnight kisses to turn our eyes blind
Just a few hours left of what we had
And no matter what I’ll be sad

That’s all right, at least I tried
For years and years my heart was denied
We both knew there would come a time
When I couldn’t settle for standing in line
So I guess its here for us to face the facts
If I say its over you know I won’t be back
But I’m too afraid to say those words
Because if you would want me again, it would hurt

Say goodbye to our passing memories
I guess its finally come to be that time
And I want to say I still love you so
Even without the words I think you know
But today you don’t want me
And I can’t wait on you forever
Because forever can’t be held in my hands
And I don’t have that much time to understand

Afraid to remember, afraid to dream
I’m engrossed in sexual avidity
Wanting to touch, needing to feel
It’s been too long and nothing is real...

I... take away, from myself
Loneliness is what I know
I... can remember the ways
You’re impaled, by my egregious tomes

Lost in fantasy, I’m desensitized
My open eyes still can’t see
Left with indecision, a choice not really there
I’ve been here too long when I care...

I... take away, inside myself
Selfishness doesn’t feel at home
I... remember your face, remember some way
You’re impaled, by my egregious tomes
I... still walk away, can’t go on
Loneliness is what I’ve shown
I... still see your face
As you’re impaled by my egregious tomes

I can face the world with empty eyes
But the stone I carve is made around me
I can change my opinion but not insight
And until I descend I will still depend
 
I... take away, I come inside
I hide my thoughts from myself
I... stay today, I won’t pretend
But tomorrow’s another day

I... take away, from myself
Loneliness is what I know
I... can remember the ways
You’re impaled, by my egregious tomes